Saturday, July 01, 2006

Lessons learned

Jesse finally comes home tomorrow. We've been talking every day on the phone, and I can tell that this experience has had a huge impact on him. Last night he tried to explain a small part of it. He said that for a full week, you live your life completely focused on these other people. Their homes, their needs, their families, and then at the end of the week, it's done. Even though they still need help, you have to walk away and turn your focus somewhere else. I wonder if this is how we as Christians are supposed to be. Not the walking away, but the complete focus on someone else. Caring for what happens to them and not just wanting to help, but being utterly devoted to helping and doing so with all of your resources. I wonder how he will have changed when he gets home.

I know that I've learned some lessons this week as well. I found that I am far stronger than I thought I was and capable of more. I've spent the last two years becoming more and more dependent on Jess and feeling Doogie and Molly becoming less dependent on me because of this sickness. But this week, I had to take care of Mia everyday, most days without any help, and we were ok. I've found that I am grateful for Mia's dependence on me, and as much I want her to grow up sometimes, I need her to need me, because if she doesn't, who will? And we all need to be needed by someone in order to feel useful. I've felt better about myself this week, because I was able to meet her needs. I've learned that there are several things that I can handle around the house without a problem, but laundry is not one of them. I've learned that I really want us to have a second vehicle, because I love the freedom of going where I want, when I want. I've learned that for both of my older kids, they really crave quality time with me, and sometimes when life is going on as normal, they don't get enough of it. There's been a lot more laughter in the house this week, because I've been making the time for them. I've learned that there aren't enough words to describe how much I miss Jess, and just thinking about it hurts, so I try not to. But I'm hoping that when he comes home, he can enjoy the new laughter-filled house. I've also learned that without Jess here to help me, I have a lot less reading time, and that's ok, because instead of reading about others' live their lives, I've been living my own.

Today I'm taking the kids to see Cars and then out for supper. Then we're coming home to eat the worst junk food we can. Tomorrow Jesse is home. I can't wait to see him.